stupid depression

I've not been in much of a mood to write lately, dealing with a rather obnoxious stretch of depression.  I've had this issue almost constantly since late childhood, and honestly, had mostly accepted that I just have a depressive personality (I know: how depressing).  Ironically though, everything in my life has been enormously positive lately, so the fact that I've still found a way to be unhappy in spite of all this happy around me has finally convinced me to make some changes.  

First, I've started seeing a clinical psychologist (ick, that makes me feel like equal parts yuppie and psycho).  I hate the talking part, and as I told S, "I don't quite get how talking for an hour about what a loser I am is supposed to make me feel less like a loser."

At least my smartassedness is intact.

Also, I've had the book The Depression Cure recommended, and while the title sounds a little self-help-nutty, I'm drawn to the author's position that so many of us feel miserable because we're too far removed from our evolutionary lifestyle (with deficits in sunlight, sleep, fatty acid intake, social support, engaging work, and exercise all affecting how our brains function).  If nothing else, the lifestyle changes feel approachable for me right now, and I appreciate the medication-free angle.

In addition to changing some daily habits, I've mainly been working on getting out of my own head, not ruminating on things so much.  To that effect, long runs and bike rides have been opportunities to fret, so I've avoided those lately.  I reluctantly started the p90x DVDs up again to keep moving, and it's paying off well, doing a nice job at keeping me from contemplating much (other than oh my hell, I am so sore).

I'm hugely self-conscious of being such a wreck when I have a mighty fortunate life compared to so many around me, but I have to work to remember that's all the more reason for me to get over this discontent.  I'm trying to approach this the same way I've dealt with physical injury, maybe with a bit more patience.  I've practiced my negativity and self-limiting habits for so long that I'm a well-tuned depression machine, so it's going to take some time for me to retrain myself. 

And, that's where I am.  I've been so withdrawn that I was about to delete this blog for good.  The fact that I now feel like posting – even if it's a bunch of whining – seems like progress to me.  In addition to just generally being a nutjob, I still have an awesome new bike to debut, and my meat-eating experiment is due for an update (hint: the experiment's over, and I've made a definite decision), so I'm hoping to be in the writing mood more often in the coming weeks.